I hate graduate school for all that it's not and am trying to love it for what it barely is.
I want to rip a piece of academia off this program each day like a piece of pita bread with my teeth but I'm struggling to accept this will never happen. My field liaison told me this week he thinks a really bright high school student could get through the program at this school. I took a deep breath after he said that. A really deep one. The kind where you suck the air deep into your lungs and breathe it out through your teeth.
I'm frustrated now.
"Like I said, I'm not getting anything out of this, Dr. Ferrante. I don't know how half the students got into this program."
He told me if I want academic challenge I should have done something else.
Well, jeez. That was honest.
"Like seminary?"
"You already argued with people for four years over God," he says to me. "And what did you come up with Lindsay? It took you four years to figure out that God is good?"
Touche, old man.
"If you're saying I'm never going to be academically challenged in this program, then what do you suggest?"
He smiled his crooked 70-something year old man smile. I know he's been to seminary. I know he's studied theology. You can always tell by the way people talk about simple things. Like they know some sort of secret.
"You have to decide whether or not this is going to do anything for you. Once you make a decision, you're life will be easier. This internship you don't like will get easier. Going through classes will get easier. It will all get easier for you."
He certainly didn't mean easier academically. He already said a high school student could do this work, which is slightly embarrassing. Is he suggesting there is more to a Masters degree than academic challenge? Like this program be ultimately helpful in other ways?
Wait, are we even still talking about school?
Apparently there's some bigger picture I'm missing here. There's always a bigger picture. How did I lose the forest? I was told this could happen. I just see the trees all around me. It seems so meaningless. Somewhere along the way, I missed something. I ended up in the midst of it all and it's just greenery. Nothing makes sense. I forgot something on my way.
Surely, but I'm not sure what.
I question a lot of things. Most things, in fact. Am I doing what I should be? Am I wasting time? I wonder how much time I even have. Am I making good use of it? Am I doing anything redeeming? Are You still redeeming me?
Slow down, Quenton.
Touche, old man.
"If you're saying I'm never going to be academically challenged in this program, then what do you suggest?"
He smiled his crooked 70-something year old man smile. I know he's been to seminary. I know he's studied theology. You can always tell by the way people talk about simple things. Like they know some sort of secret.
"You have to decide whether or not this is going to do anything for you. Once you make a decision, you're life will be easier. This internship you don't like will get easier. Going through classes will get easier. It will all get easier for you."
He certainly didn't mean easier academically. He already said a high school student could do this work, which is slightly embarrassing. Is he suggesting there is more to a Masters degree than academic challenge? Like this program be ultimately helpful in other ways?
Wait, are we even still talking about school?
Apparently there's some bigger picture I'm missing here. There's always a bigger picture. How did I lose the forest? I was told this could happen. I just see the trees all around me. It seems so meaningless. Somewhere along the way, I missed something. I ended up in the midst of it all and it's just greenery. Nothing makes sense. I forgot something on my way.
Surely, but I'm not sure what.
I question a lot of things. Most things, in fact. Am I doing what I should be? Am I wasting time? I wonder how much time I even have. Am I making good use of it? Am I doing anything redeeming? Are You still redeeming me?
Slow down, Quenton.
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