I made a list. Two, actually.

I've just been thinking about how different my life if I didn't care what you thought of me.  Don't feel too special though, it's not just you.  But my church, my family, potential employers, future professionals and colleagues in my field.  Am I being who I really am?  Who I really want to be?  How much of what I portray is because I think that's what you expect?  Will you think I'm a total cheese ball for writing a blog about being who you are?

Like I've said before, I spend a lot of time in the car.  Far too much time to contemplate life.  You can only listen to Taylor Swift so many times before your mind drifts from whether this is another song about Joe Jonas or whether or not you'd really hate wearing long sleeves to work the rest of your life if you got a tattoo on your arm.

I made a list.  Two, actually.  Stop laughing.

I just wonder sometimes if I'm doing what I really want to do, you know?  I wonder if I'm living up to who you want me to be, or if I'm just being me?  Trying to live both places is impossible.  I keep trying, and I keep getting my anxiety medication switched.  So something in this relationship isn't working.

These are my lists.  Unedited.  I made them while sitting on the bathroom floor.  I had a playlist playing and Audrey Assad started singing, "Your God will not forsake you, oh my soul."  And I thought of you.

I hope you know that God will not forsake you either.  If you pursue what you feel so deeply in your insides you were created for.  Please.  Go.  GO.  Do that thing.  Forget whatever it is you feel so pressured to do or be.  Just be what you are.  Do what God gave you beautiful talents and desires for.  Pursue those things.  Pursue true joy.  It only comes from the Lord.  He created you for His glory and your joy.  Try and believe that for a second.  I know it's hard.  I struggle with it every single day.  You are not alone.

If it didn’t affect getting a job or the way people perceived me, I would….

Wear t-shirts every day

Get a tattoo on my arm

Dye my hair red and blonde

Wear glasses more often

Admit I like the snow

Talk about my passion and desire to see the world be a better place in my cover letter rather than previous internships or work experience

Spend more time feeding the hungry

Donate more clothes

Own less clothes

Sew more of my own clothes

Wear slippers all the time.  Like every day.

Teach Sunday school for kids with disabilities and try to integrate them into regular Sunday school classes

Push the envelope

Be myself more and stop feeling like every church I go to is a job interview

What do I really want to do with my time?  Not just spare time, but on the earth.  While I'm alive.  If anything were really possible, I would…

Feed hungry people.

Hang out with the homeless.  Hear their stories.

Legally advocate for the slave.

Love the victim.

Trust the victim.

Help the slave.

Be a voice for the trafficked.

Care about where my coffee comes from.

Spend my money like there are other people on the planet.

Fight for gay rights.

Kiss the forehead of the child with a disability, just because they are beautiful.

Push for better education in SC.

Stop checking out so quickly.

Believe I am capable.

Give it all away.

Believe god cares about my burdens.  Even my self-inflicted ones.