be still

Psalm 131

My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD
both now and forevermore.

--

I have recently discovered that there is a large possibility that I could be at risk of being a complete control freak.

I like to tell myself that I'm not. I'm constantly reminding myself of His provision. His faithfulness. His love. La. La. La. A bunch of stuff surely I find hope in, but I don't really believe all the time.

There is so much that could happen in the upcoming months. My senior audit still isn't finished, so I don't know if I'm graduating in May or in December. I was notified today that I got an interview at Princeton Theological Seminary, which was some of the best news. At the same time, I don't know if I can take it because I don't know when I'm graduating. I also have a few internship opportunities for this summer.

Oh, and I'm getting married. No big.

Lots of decisions to make. Big, adult, life decisions. Part of me is almost indifferent to whatever happens. I'm just excited to have a zest for life again. (Falling in love with God all over again like it's the first time, but that's another blog.)

Many things leading up to this moment have taught me that wherever I am, it needs to be somewhere that I have to trust God. Because if I don't have to trust Him, 9x out of 10, I won't. So maybe this is a good place to be. Intentionally trusting God.



Sometimes, you just have to let God god.

transition

I didn't make a New Year's resolution. I always break them by January 2nd. I decided not to set myself up this time.

As the New Year has rolled itself in, it's gotten me thinking about beginnings, endings, resolutions, revolutions, and the unknown. I have so much coming up in the next couple months that is still so unknown. While I know that I'm getting married, I have no clue what a real marriage will be like. The plan is that we're moving to South Carolina so Caleb can continue in the band Eleventyseven. This means I am uprooting and moving 10 hours away from home, and I'm only 21. This isn't a sob story; no sympathy needed. Just another transition. I only returned from Australia a few short months ago, and already I face the reality of going back to school in exactly one week. Australia almost feels like a dream, but no longer a nightmare. We're making progress.

I'm not the best with transition. I've was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when I was in 3rd grade, and transition has always been a trigger. I have seen evidence of God in His work within my disorder. I went from a girl who couldn't sleep over at friend's houses as a child to a girl who spent 5 months halfway across the world. I never thought it would happen. I still get anxious and even have medication, but God has done things I never could have done alone.

All the transitioning that has happened in the last few months going to and returning from Australia, going back to school, getting married, moving, graduating early...there is so much unknown in the future. Caleb and I still don't even know where we're going to live. It's a neat thing, trusting God.

It's one thing to trust God with your future. It's another to trust Him with the present, too.

So I'm taking it day by day. Not coasting on the spirit of adrenaline, but rather active in prayer, and asking that He'd prepare a place for us, and not just on this earth. I'm finding myself "growing up", but not being sure when it happened. Surely hindsight is 20/20, but I feel like the fog of my foresight is lifting just a little. I'm learning to not only recognize, but mourn and joy over the different seasons of life. Some seasons that find others I pray never find me. But I'm learning to live right now, instead of live for whatever my next destination is. I used to have a habit of always wanting the next stage of my life and simply existing through until I got there. I'm learning to love to live in each day.

I suppose there really is a simpler beauty hidden in life. It's called living.