Here we go....again.

I never changed majors in college.

I think statistically, someone changes their major seven or so times before they stick with something they really like.  That, or they've taken so many credits in one concentration area and graduation is quickly approaching so their decision is pretty much made for them.  I knew I wanted to go into Youth Ministry, and there was no stopping me. No minor.  No double major. I may as well have scribbled with a sharpie on a piece of torn cardboard the words  'youth ministry or bust' and taped it to my dorm room door.

As a graduate student, I have changed my Masters degree three times.  Looks like I did things a little backwards.

Social work seemed like the perfect option to make ministry practical.  How could I be qualified in the world's eyes to serve and be in an actual profession where you help people all day and get paid for it?  Getting a Master of Social Work would leave me with abundant career options.  I could work with kids or never work with kids again.  I could work in a hospital or non-profit.  Seemed like the perfect choice.

And I hated it.

I took one semester and was bored.  I didn't feel challenged.  My field supervisor had his M.Div and his MSW.  I had been interning with attorneys and social work advocates on behalf of the community of people with disabilities for almost 6 months.  When he came for his semester "check up", I told him I didn't know if I could handle another semester of disability advocacy.  It wasn't for me.

He told me I needed to decide if this whole profession was for me.  I wouldn't be the first to take a semester and walk away from the program.  And I wouldn't be the last.  He winked.

So I did.

I stepped out of vocational ministry to pursue my MSW, and then I found my hands empty of both.  I went back to retail and was reminded I was pretty good at sales.  I later became a sales representative for a school.  It was a love/hate relationship.  I loved promoting academics and working with students, but I hated constantly fearing for my job in a poisonous work environment where motivation was offered from supervisors in the form of threats, competition, and belittling.  One time, my direct supervisor told a co-worker I was useless, despite the fact I was in the top 3 representatives at our school and it was only my first term.  He also said another co-worker was stupid, but at least she had looks going for her.

Nauseated yet?

I decided I would pursue my MBA to prove ethics could be brought into business.  That whoever said business wasn't personal was a liar.  And to prove I was smarter than those who said I was useless.  I came to North Greenville University by accident.  (Or an act of God.  Whatever you want to call it.)  My theology adviser from undergrad sent me an email one day that read,

"Aren't we facebook friends?"

I messaged him on facebook and he asked if I was currently working in vocational ministry.

Was this some kind of graduation survey?  I sure hope not.  I ran ministries all through college.  What a disappointment I would look like.

He said his friend from graduate school was the Vice President of a graduate school in a town near where I was living.

"You guys should network."

The phone conversation with the guy was completely awkward.  I knew more about him than I should, and all we had in common was a mutual bald friend.

"So, Jeff tells me you're looking for work?"

Well, not exactly.

While my environment at work was poisonous, I made more money than I ever had.  Two weeks paid vacation up front, sick time, a retirement fund, opportunities to advance.  What more do you want in life?

Well, I wanted a whole lot more that to the world, probably looks like a whole lot less.

I am currently sitting at my desk as the Assistant to the Dean of Graduate Enrollment, making less money than I have in my entire life,  and I have completed my first week in my new Masters degree.  In what, you ask?

Christian Ministry.  Yikes.

I'm not sure if anyone can be a "master" of something like this, but we can sure try. We can search and question.  We can experience.  And oh, we can hope.  And we can bring hope to a hurting world.

And you don't need a Masters degree to do that.

I guess I'm trying to tell myself what I've been telling you all along - follow your passion.  Pursue what keeps you breathing, because if you haven't experience anything to knock the breath out of you yet, you will.  You can't fix everything.  You can't revolutionize the whole world.  You can't stay up until 2am watching Netflix and expect to be at the gym by 6am.  You aren't in college anymore.

But you can have child-like faith.  You can choose to pursue what you know deep beneath your rib cage you were created for.  And if you're not sure what you were created for, I'll tell you it's not a vocation.

It's much bigger than that.

Could today be different?

I always think God is angry with me.

Surely, my sin as of recent is no greater or less than my sin of before.  And yet, I constantly feel as though He is disappointed in His daughter.  I even see an image of him in my head with a shiny silver watch on His wrist and tapping his foot on days when I'm 15 minutes late to work, as though He's saying, "I blessed you with this opportunity - why would you disrespect Me in not valuing it enough to be here on time every day?"

Some days, it plagues me.  I ask forgiveness from God and forgiveness from those I've sinned against, and still don't feel any better.  Other days, I ask for grace and move on with the rest of the day.  But lately, I'll admit, I'm lucky if I can keep the negative thoughts in my brain quieter than the worship music on Pandora trying to out-scream it.

As I sit here at my desk at work listening to Kari Jobe cry out, "Hosanna! Hosanna!  Hosanna in the highest!", I feel completely unworthy of singing those words.  How could a perfect Savior love such a great sinner?  How could He want me in His family?  Would he really offer me a seat at the banquet?  How do I believe these things when I worry He wouldn't give me a second glance if I said His name in public?

And then I started thinking, what if instead, today I decided to believe the Lord has forgiven me and cleansed me of all my great sin?  What if I believed when He looks at me, He sees the blood of the lamb, and He sees me as perfect and blameless?  What if I believed He sees beauty and glory and righteousness, in that though I am a great sinner, He is greater still to cover me?

How different would your day look if you believed the same?  How different would today be if you stopped focusing on the shame and guilt that suffocate like thick black smoke, and decided to breathe the clean air of Truth?  The Truth that says,

"You are Mine and I will hold you close today, because my love for you is deeper than the oceans.  I don't care where you've fallen.  No one can charge you.  You're Mine."

I believe God made beauty in this day, and He wants you to enjoy it.  Breathe in His grace and the Truth that says God has deep affections for His people, and stop believing the lie Satan feeds you that somehow you could possibly out-sin the cross.

His love has not grown cold for you.